Monday, October 18, 2010

She is not my own

My friend said this to me," Eugene, you don't live with your in laws, you don't know what it is like staying under same roof."

I remember i was about to get married to my lovely wife 15 years ago, the same kind of advice was given to me by another friend," please stay out on your own, if you can't afford to buy a house, rent you must, otherwise it will eventually strain your relationship with your mother, your wife with her and so forth."

Now back to my friend's woe, They used to stay happily together,my friend, his wife and his own mother, it was all bliss in a semi D house. After three years, differences in ways of living crept into their lives, mother could not tolerate the ways her daugther in law managed the house chores, friend's wife in return could not see eye to eye the ways her mother in law "educating " her child.

Friend's mother claimed that her daugther in law was trying to distant her grandson from her, and the daughter in law lamented that her "education system" would result in spoiling her child.

Cut the story short, my friend eventually moved out to a condominum, and the relationship never seemed to improve in any ways either.

So he said, " Eugene, see you will never understand how it is like being in my situation"

May be i am lucky so to speak not in my friend's situation but i don't know could it be so hard to co-exist, mother in law, daugther in law and son........ Just like husband and wife, we have all our differences, but we tolerate, we show respect, we communicate, we undertand, we accept the differences............. i don't know really may be like i said i was lucky.

P/S : Could it be better, if you see others like your own..............

24 comments:

  1. Girl from DownunderOctober 18, 2010 at 9:58 AM

    Husbands and wives may have their arguments and fights but can make up in bed. Can't do that with the mother-in-law! LOL!!

    The bible tells us this for a reason, "..a man LEAVES his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one." ~ Ephesians 5:31

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  2. Yes, when our kids are grown, they have their own lives already.. we as parents can stand by to give moral support, we cannot intrude their lives anymore.. :)

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  3. Hi Eugene, very interesting. That happens. Then again, there's the mother who thinks the SIL not caring for her daughter well enough, etc etc.
    Whatever it is, there are good MILs, same time lots of horror stories too of MILs...
    My cousin's marriage went on the rocks, because of MIL, habis cherita.

    Me? No way have in laws or out laws within 15 miles of where we live.
    But they came fast when heard of the sexy maid I employed, ha ha.
    Even wanted to stay in my house when wife goes to hospital for baby's arrival.
    Cheh! Some people just don't have any faith, ha ha. Lee.

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  4. Hey Girl fromw downunder : Been a while since i last saw your comments in my blog, miss it cos yours will always make me laugh.

    Claire : One day my time will come, and i will need to be a good FIL, treat them like my own.

    Uncle Lee : You too are good with words,the sexy maid stuff hahahahah.

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  5. Eugene, I have to agree with your friend. although I don't stay with my in laws, I have been adviced and heard stories NOT to stay under the same roof before marriage. You know, if really have to, just stay nearby, next door, anything but NOT under the same roof. No point taking the risk of straining the marriage, putting the guy in a spot and the kids will feel the tension.

    Things will not improve. Move out also the parents will think you're rejecting them. I have a good MIL but I'd say the same - rent if you must, but never never stay under the same roof.

    I don't stay with my parents or in laws, but we always welcome them and appreciate them when they stay with us. The kids looks fwd to them too.

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  6. eugene, i don't know how to explain it, but there's really a difference la... my in-laws are wonderful and accepts me, but their way of seeing things and running the home is different... and my FiL can't help but intrude in the way my bro-in-law & wife bring up their daughter, and it really causes strife when he tries to get involved...

    all i can say is, I really thank God my hubby had the wisdom to rent a place of our own, when i was pregnant with our baby =)

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  7. Always prons and cons staying with PIL/MIL . no matters how good the relationship, sometime it do fight and urge over some small matters , especially something relate to kids . I still prefer to stay OUT from them BUT stay NEAR around them . That's work better for both .:P

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  8. I agree with what your friend says, and it doesn't matter whether it is the son-in-law staying nder the same roof as the wife's mother, or the daughter-in-law staying under the same roof as the husband's mother. For my case, if my husband is to stay under the same roof as my mother, they definitely cannot see eye-to-eye becos for one thing, my mum is the kind who likes people to ampu her, so her expectation that her son-in-law will do this, do that, belanja this, belanja that on her at her whims and fancy will definitely cause tension in the house, whereas my husband is the kind who don't ampu people, and don't give face kind, not even the mother-in-law! As for me, after getting married, we stayed with my husband's family and I have no problems staying with them at least until the baby arrived. I was lucky in that my MIL is the kind who don't expect me to do any housework, but I still try do help whenever can. But problem starts after my son is born. They love to intrude or make uninvited comments on how I should take care or bring up my son such that it makes me feel like they have no confidence in my ability to take care of a baby even though I am a first-time mother. Many big and serious quarrels happened between myself and my in-laws (even the quarrel involved my unmarried brother-in-law, can you believe it!) and between my husband and his parents (and his unmarried younger brother). Luckily my husband is on my side as he shares the same views as me (or supportive of my choices) for bringing up the baby. Issues that become subjects of tension revolves around the baby such as breastfeeding, storage of breastmilk, usage of pacifier, routine for sleeping, usage of spring cot, brushing the baby's teeth and about where to draw the line when it comes to disciplining the child. Hubby and I finally moved out when my son was almost 2 yrs old and I'm glad we moved out even though now I have to do everything myself becos I will have the upper hand in bringing p my son without them interferring, so no more quarrels. Relationship, surprisingly has improved. Just before we moved out, my MIL and I were no longer in talking terms (I was only in talking terms with FIL even though he and I quarreled big time before!) and after we moved out, somehow my MIL started talking to me again like as if nothing unpleasant happened before!

    P/S: Sorry for my long rant - I really need to let 'steam' out.

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  9. I hv got no idea as we stay on our own but my mum stays with me..

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  10. Irene, Yanz : It seems that my friend is right...

    Angel : you right pros and cons but sometimes it is hard to weigth the both sides lol.

    Alice : Don't worry for vending it out here, we are cyber friends ma,,, anyway glad that things turned out fine eventually

    Wenn : That's good, No problem is a beautiful word

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  11. I've heard several comments of how bad situation went after staying together with in laws.. I myself am staying with my in laws now.. but so far so good la!
    However, I'll move out one day also la, after having own kids.. actually I prefer to stay at own house ;)

    You have a nice day Eugene!

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  12. What I can say is...give and take. We know this bound to happen. But try to find a win-win result. :D

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  13. Woemn - they can never stay together under one roof. That's why my missus and I moved out - jealousy, rivalry, possessiveness...everything!!! I think if the guy moves in with the in-laws, there would not be much of a problem. Guys are not so petty.

    But I do know of some wives who get on superbly well with the MILs, though not many. I guess it takes two hands to clap...

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  14. Agree with most wives here, it's not easy to stay with in-laws. Perhaps it's due to our different upbringing. What is acceptable to our in-laws doesn't mean we have to accept it too. Hence this causes some hiccup, which eventually lead to bigger problem when left unsolved.

    My conflicts reduced from the day I moved out from my in-laws. But we stay nearby and their grandchildren love to interact with them.

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  15. Don't be so quick to judge. U want to know how ugly it can get... by all means... live together with your in laws. I agree wholeheartedly with Claire. And appluding Girl from Downunder. She knows her bible well.

    ps: Ask me to live with my MIL... you might as well tell me to suicide... and I will do it gladly... much more gladly than ask me to live with her. End of story. And I'll gladly say bye bye to my husband and son too, without a second thought. I might be condemn for such thoughts, but... let's just say I value my sanity and my privacy. I like to walk naked in the house... so it's a no no to have an old woman in my house.

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  16. Hayley : My best wishes for you all the way.

    Tekkaus :Win win result,,, can ka?

    Arthur : Men are not so petty, true ka?

    Ivyonne : I tend to agree with the ladies too,,,

    Cleff : Don't worry,you know how to stand your ground,right?

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  17. Hi 5 Eugene, me too, i don't know really may be like i said i was lucky.
    We stay independently from in law since the day 1 we married. So, I am still maintaining good relationship with my PIL now.

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  18. Tolerate is very important. I'm blessed to have a wonderful MIL even sometimes, we do have differences and arguments. It depends on how we handle them.

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  19. I dont stay with my in laws which is the biggest joy to me. But i dont know how long will this joy and freedom be with me cos no matter what, one day my in laws for sure will come n stay with us...after all my hub is the only son..Sigh...i dont dare to think of what will happen when we are under de same roof.

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  20. Eugene: I've been living in my IL since the first day I'm married. Going to be 5 years now, everything goes smoothly. Thank God I'm lucky to have such a good PIL (modern type one). Both of them are understanding and tolerate and I get along pretty well with them. We go holiday together, we dine together and we do shopping together too. Sometimes, for sure there are some slightly "not agree" to each other opinions. I think that is normal and it is just a matter of how you treat it. The more anger you feel, the more you hate it. "If you want them to respect you, then you must respect the elderly first. After all, they are your PIL" - this is what my mom told me. In future, i wish to be like them, let the younger generation have their own married life.
    The matter of moving out, hubby and I did think of it too. Hehehe having our own sweet time!
    (P/S: I live with my Hubby's grandma as well)

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  21. Eugene you are real lucky then. I agree totally with Alice. No matter how understanding and tolerant there will still be "gaduh" It's the accumulated disatisfaction

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  22. my mom said the same thing, move out once you are married

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  23. I invited my inlaws to stay with me, but they don't want leh. I told them that they brought their son up, and the home their son bought belongs to them too. I know there will be frictions if they stay with us, but I want them to know I was attracted to their son for his upbringing.I don't have energy to think
    about my inlaws are intruders, because both of them are the parents of the man I married. Infact, I rather my kid learn on the spot how we treat our parents. It's up to us how we want to view them. You'll be surprised, alot of things matters to them are peanuts to you. Likewise for them to bathe your kid with running cold water. For example lah.
    How long will they be around to give you the opportunity to teach your kids about being filial? Sometimes, we got to learn to keep an eye closed.;)

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  24. Thank you guys.....i learnt a thing or two or three from you guys.

    to you anonymous, you are one special soul,,,,

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