Monday, November 07, 2011

"Irreconcillable Diffenrences" sure or not?

I had a very hearty and sincere conversation with someone very dear to me few days ago,he didn't appear to be all that chirpy and jovial,he was sad because of some issues with his spouse and this is not the first time,he was sharing this with me and my lovely wife.

We(me and my lovely wife)never have the intention in meddling into his own problems,we were just there to listen and at times voiced out our opinions,that's all. It has always been my standard advice to him,every time he has issues with his spouse and it sounds like this,"Bro,at the end of it,it is about you and your wife,nothing and no one else matters,the children one day will fly away,your mother in law or other in laws will like you,will not like you,that's their problem,you have to work on your marriage revolving around the both of you and everything will fall into nice place"

I am not a marriage guru but I do find certain unwanted or undesirable traits in spouses that will amount to hitting some "snares" in one's marriage, this is just for sharing sake.

For example one party will always like to trumpet this,
"I have done the best for her/him,I have never calculated what I have done for her, I pay this and I pay that and the worst is she/he never shows any appreciation" Is marriage based on what one has done for the other in term of what we have done best for him/her,can a long lasting marriage be measured in such way?

I don't think so,a long lasting marriage should be measured in how many trials and tribulations,how many thins and thicks the husband and wife weathered together and that's in the end will yield a long lasting marriage,not the best diamond ring,not the best overseas trip, not the Hermes Berkin and not the Tiffany.

The other thing,I find this to be very detrimental to one's marriage,
Don't ever run down your spouse,discredit him/her or bad mouth about him/her to your friends,particularly to your family members,with statements such like this,
"you think he/she is good ka? wait till you know him better" or"he/she is not what really think she/he is,he/she can be as bad as you can never imagine"

Please don't do the above,we are supposed to edify our spouse,lift them up with kind words and cherish them(that's if we want our marriage to flourish).

The other funny part is if we can share our problems or malaise about marriage with others,why can't we talk it out with our spouse,right?

You see the danger of sharing your marital woes with others is that.1)there are "crazy people" out there who do not like to see others succeed in their marriages cos theirs are the rotten ones,2)Because when you share with them your problems,you only share half of it and they do not really know the gist of it and they will start acting like"professional" then you will get even more confused.3)the moment you share it,the next thing you know,it spreads like wild fire then people will start asking you,then you will be more stressed. So the best thing is talk to your spouse openly or seek professional advice or counseling.

Another problem (it happens to me as well)is that we always think we right and never want to admit our mistakes,if both think they are right?Why again there are problems,funny kan?

Let us treasure our spouse,work on our differences,accepting our flaws,improve on them and move on through trials and tribulations,through thins and thicks.......Amen.

P/S : The best part of marriage is,we are different and that makes us no different


  1. Give and take, forgive and forget...and marriage = sacrifices, the other above self... It has to be "we"...not "I"..."and till death do WE part!"

  2. You have very good advice here, Eugene. You are a good man. Wise too.

    I want to thank you for the fair and rational comment you left on my blog. I couldn't agree more with what you wrote. Thank you.

    Btw, I have to apologise on the delay in responding to your comment on this post:
    Hope you will find the small tip useful.

  3. A great post and really practical advice!!!

  4. It s true that at the end of the day it's just the two of us that matters but to interpret when one says he has done so much for the marriage does not mean that he is calculative and wants a good return of investment . That's too simplistic an interpretation more likely to come from someone who subject his partner to provide more in terms of energy and money . Overall your advice is sincere and caring